Tips for Co-Parenting Through the Hurt and Anger After a Difficult Divorce/Break-Up

Going through a divorce is never easy. But, when there are children involved, it can become even more of a difficult process. 

While co-parenting is the best way to put your kids first, even after the marriage ends, it doesn’t always work as it should. This is especially true if your former spouse is being difficult. 

It can also be hard to do if your spouse hurt you throughout the marriage, and now, you have a hard time either trusting them or cooperating with them. This can create roadblocks in your ability to parent together. 

So, what can you do to keep putting your children first, even if your spouse is making it hard to co-parent effectively? 

Focus on Your Children, Not the Uncooperative Ex

If you don’t like the way your ex-spouse is handling things, you can absolutely try to talk to them and come to a compromise. But, in many cases, you’ll simply have to accept that they aren’t going to change who they are. 

The best thing you can do about that is to put your focus on your children. Try to be as amicable as possible with your former spouse. Use the children’s’ needs and wants as the basis of your conversation. And you may have to change your own mindset to not feel so on edge whenever your ex is around. 

Think About How You Communicate

You’re going to have to communicate with your co-parent. So, make sure you keep your topics of communication as low-conflict as possible. Really, you should only be discussing matters that impact your children. 

By setting boundaries for yourself and your former partner, you can keep your emotions in check and not say things you normally wouldn’t. With that strategy, you’ll also protect yourself from getting hurt again. 

Your communication style with your co-parent needs to reflect the kind of relationship you want to show your children for years to come. If your ex is still being difficult or wants to engage in hostile conversation, don’t back down from being calm, level-headed, and respectful. 

Don’t Take It Personally

Your ex probably knows how to get under your skin better than anyone else. So, if they try to get to you through the children, it’s important to not take it personally. Maybe they say something hurtful to you when they’re picking up the children. Or maybe they try to criticize your parenting style. 

Keep in mind that, more often than not, this is just a way for them to either get back at you for hurting them or project their problems onto you. It’s important not to take it personally, even though that’s often easier said than done. 

Instead, as stated above, keep your focus solely on the children. Try to redirect your conversations back to the care of the kids and what is best for them at any given time. 

Making Co-Parenting Work for You

At some point, your ex may calm down and want to be an effective co-parent as well. But, even if they don’t, you have to keep your focus on the kids, for your own mental health and well-being. 

Co-parenting is different for everyone. Some couples are lucky enough to work through things in a calm, respectful manner. For others, it can feel hostile and angry. 

The best thing you can do through it all is to decide how you’re going to relate to your former partner. You have a choice when it comes to your reactions. It’s not always easy to work through the hurt and pain they caused. But it’s the right thing to do in putting your children first. 

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If you’re struggling with co-parenting or dealing with a former partner who is making it hard, feel free to reach out. We can work on more tips and strategies to make the process as easy as possible for you. 

Co-Parenting: How You Can Raise Balanced Children Despite Your Split

If you’re going through a divorce and you have children, one of the most important things to decide is how to co-parent your kids in a healthy way.

Co-parenting occurs when a divorced couple shares in the duties of raising their child(ren). Unfortunately, it’s sometimes easier said than done in contentious divorces.

During the divorce process, you may go through mediation to come to some conclusions about how your children should be raised (and who should raise them). It’s important to think about what’s best for your children. And that can be hard if you’re not getting along with your ex-spouse.

So, how can you raise balanced children while co-parenting after a divorce?

Set Your Own Anger Aside

Married couples split up for a variety of different reasons. Some situations are more serious, like domestic violence or substance abuse. But, if you just grew apart from your spouse or couldn’t stop fighting, that isn’t a reason for not allowing them to have a healthy relationship with their child.

You may not have many good things to say about your ex-spouse. But, in most cases, it’s healthiest for children to have strong relationships with both parents.

To begin, you have to set your anger, sadness, and feelings of betrayal aside when it comes to custody and visitation rights. Don’t put your kids in the middle of your emotions or your battles with your ex-partner. If you have anger issues, take it out elsewhere when your children aren’t around.

By setting your anger aside, you’ll be able to remain a stable and secure environment for your children.

Talk to Your Former Spouse

It’s not always easy, but one of the best ways to make sure you're on the same page when co-parenting is to communicate well with your child’s other parent.

Instead of thinking about how it might make you feel, think about your child. Make your child the center of each conversation that you have with your former spouse. That way, there's never any need to bring up old wounds from your marriage.

Of course, this type of communication can take time and a lot of work. That’s especially true if your divorce was particularly stressful. If you and your ex can commit to speaking to each other without conflict when it comes to your kids, it will make co-parenting much easier.

Remember You’re a Team

Co-parenting works best if you’re on the same page with your former spouse. It can be confusing for your kids to have different expectations, rules, etc., coming from each parent. Children will feel more stable if they have similar sets of rules from both parents.

So try working out a plan with your ex when it comes to rules and disciplinary action. You may not agree on everything, but it’s likely you can meet somewhere in the middle. Again, thinking about what’s best for your child should take precedence over your own personal feelings.

Be Respectful, Even When It's Hard

You and your ex-spouse are both starting a new life and a new journey with your children. Being respectful toward each other, no matter how difficult it might be, can show your kids that their world isn’t going to completely change.

When you can make decisions together as parents, the effects of your divorce will have less of a negative impact on your children. While their lives will change, keeping things as stable and as secure as possible will definitely make the transition easier for them.

If you’re going through a divorce or you’re new to co-parenting, please feel free to contact us. We know it’s not always easy to work with your ex-spouse right away. But we'd be delighted to help you through the process so you can continue to raise healthy, balanced children.